Or maybe i should say preparing for the inevitable. The second most difficult aspect of losing someone that you love is dealing with the finacial loose ends that are left behind. In our world living and money go hand in hand and the number of people that actually take the time to prepare for their own exit from life are far smaller than you would imagine. Paying for funerals and services and interrment costs money and the last thing anyone needs during a time of grief is juggling financial issues.
You cannot talk about death without talking about how we handle those final preparations in our society. Not only have I been in this position twice myself but I have observed many of my friends and clients dealing with this end of life issue recently and I feel compelled to talk about it here. Whether you are in your senior years or a young adult, putting this discussion off will leave a burden on a another.
Family units vary across the globe and in your town. At the time that I had to make those difficult decisions for both of my parents I was an only child with no siblings and most of my family and relations were located well across country or in Europe. I had noone to share the financial burden or help me shoulder the grief, it was mine alone to carry and a very difficult journey. Some of you may have parents that live a distance away and you may have to rush to their side in an emergency leaving your own family, job and responsibilities behind. A few of you may have siblings that disagree with you not only in what your parents may want in their final hours but they may contest the division of assest after all is said and done. The possibilities are endless. When the dust has settled where there is money there will be a tug of war that can set family members against eachother. And when there is a failure to plan someone gets to foot the bill and face financial difficulties of their own.
The first step to planning is taking a deep slow breath. begin to make a list of things that you own and the amounts that you owe so you can determine what assets you will leave behind and how much debt you currently carry. Debt does not just magically go away when you die and creditors will find a way to collect what is due to them by coming after existing family members and filing leans against existing properties. Medical insurance does not cover all charges incurred and when there is a tragic death or sudden catastrophic illness what is accrued can be substantial. I have found that making lists is a powerfull tool in understanding yourself and coming to terms with an over abundance of thoughts, issues, items, wants and needs. It helps you bring things together that might be otherwise hard to mentally and visually handle otherwise. A list usually begins with the largest and most common of human assets and will also include things that you never realized you had or knew the value of .
* Realestate * Mortgages
* Cars * Student Loans
* Stocks * Car loans
* Bonds * Credit card and revolving accounts
* Retirement Accounts and IRA's * Utilities such as gas, water, electric
* Trust Funds * Services such as cable, telephone, security
* jewelry * IRS payments
* Furniture * Life insurance payments
* Art work * Medical coverage
* Equiptment and appliances * Child support payements
* Personal items * alimony
* Artistic worth * Child care
What is the rough estimated worth of your assets? Did making a list and assigning a potential value to the things you own surprise you? Did you not realize at a glance that the value of the things inside your home might meet or exceed the value of the realestate that contains them? For those items that you may have inherited but never known the true value it might be time for a professional appraisal and itemization. in the event of your sudden passing an unscrupulous family member rumaging through your possessions may take something of value. Once your list is complete you might further add to the organization by photographing and creating a visual file so when you are gone they can be accounted for and not undervalued. Contact the holder of your home owners insurance and make sure your coverage is up to date and in the event of a fire or flood or some other calamity you will have the correct amount of coverage.
Now you will do the same thing for your liabilities. How much do you owe and to whom? Does this debt exceed your assets? Will your life insurance policy be able to pay off these loans and still leave something behind? Do you even own a life insurance policy? Many work places have minimal coverages that are capped and usually dont exceed your annual income and may even have limitations in the fine wording that will illiminate and render the coverage null and void. If you are disabled or in the hospital under care and unable to see to your affairs your bills will continue to accrue.
Now lets take a close look at your own personal situation and see how that effects the outcome of events and what considerations you might want to take to protect the ones that you love.
* Are you married
* Are you single and the head of your household
* Do you live with a life partner but not in a legal contract
* Do you have minor children living with you
* Do you have grown children living with you
* Do you have a parent in your care who either lives with you or depends on you financially
* Are you the legal gaurdian for the minor children of your children
* Do you care for minor children belonging to your children without legal gaurdianship
* Are you separated but not legally divorced
* Are you disabled and under medical care and unable to care for yourself
* Are you living with your children
* Are you living in a retirement home or in assisted care
* Do you live in a home that you own
* Do you rent
It is clear that the possibilities are endless but each of those possibilities may have its own particular legal entanglements. If you dont take the helm and manage your affairs during your life and plan for your own exiit others will. Others rarely care about our wishes and desires so the best way of protecting your interests and the interests of those that you love is by putting them down in writing and making them legal.
* Do you have a will
* Do you have an accountant who manages your finances
* Do you have an executor for your will. A friend, a family member or loved one who will see this final acts carried out.
* Do you have a burial plot
* Have you considered prepaying for your cremation or funeral services ahead of time
* Do you want to be taken off of life support in a medical situation
* Do you want to stipulate that you do not want to be revived in the event of a cardiac arrest
* Do you want to stop treatment at a ceratin point for a terminal diagnoses
The time to make your wishes known is when you have clarity of mind and you are legally able to make those decisions, when that boundary is crossed others will make those decisions for you and often against your will. If you are a fighter and staying alive as long as you are able to do so is important to you your lack of decision making now may put you at odds with those who will see your crisis as a drain on their wallets and deny access to the means required to help you stay alive.
Everything that is written above applies to your individual life but it also applies to the lives of those that we love most. Taking action to change or to place into motion certain perameters is easy when you are doing it for yourself but not as easy to set in motion for others. The first thing that needs to happen when others are invloved is dialogue. All things begin with thoughts set in motion, seeds planeted. Letsassume that you are married and that both you and your spouse have elderly parents. at this time both of your parents live in their own homes and are able to care for themselves. Your parents have either taken clear steps to protect themselves in the event of a situation or like so many other people they are just living their lives hoping for the best. There are two dialogues that need to happen here, one between you and your parents and one between you and your spouse. I distictly remember having that conversation asking my significant other if we needed to think about the day that one of us would recieve that phonecall about an emergency or death involving a parent. How are we going to react in that worst of moments when there is no longer time for talk.
* Are we prepared to care for one or more of our parents under our roof?
* Do we have the financial ability to assist them while they stay in their own home?
* In the event that we cant care for them are we able to afford assisted care or convince them to use assisted care?
* Do we each have siblings with whom we need to share our concerns and divide the responsibility?
* In the event that noone wants to shoulder the responsibilty are you willing to do it alone?
* Does your spouse get along with your parents? Or will this situation possibly put the stability of your marriage at risk?
* Do you have a strained relationship with your parents? and if so how will you contain the situation under your roof?
* Are you and your spouse comfortable with setting limitations and boundaries for those in your care and under your roof?
* Are you able to sense when your loved ones need assistance but are too embarrassed to ask and lean on you? can you take the lead?
So now you have done the planning and created your own road map to the inevitable. Do you have a place where all these important documents are placed, such as a bank vault or lockbox or somewhere designated in your home or office. Since there are many single parents with children your ability to sit them down and show them how and where to find things may be crucial. there may be an adult relative that will step in to help them but by making sure they understand how to locate those items that they will need to show another you will help reduce their stress. I have created tehe emergency box. the emergency box is a portable file box you can purchase at any office supply store. The file box is a filing cabinet for those who dont require a large metal office cabinet. In this box i have placed:
* Tax paper work and reciepts associated with the past several years
* A new tax folder for the current year in progress with the reciepts
* An emergency binder with protective plastic sleeves which contains the following:
* A copy of the gas bill and account number and my online username and password
* A copy of every single utility and account that I have to pay for and their online access if available
* A copy of my current will and my attorneys name and number
* A copy of my life insurance policy and a point of contact
* A copy of my home owners policy and a point of contact
* spare keys
* Check books
* Passports
* A copy of the leases with my tenants
* Deeds to homes and properties that I own
If your children are old enough to use banking services it might be wise to open a joint emergency account that can be used in intterum during the emergency so they can care for themselves and pay necessary bills in your absence. It is a very hard thing to sit a child down and explain these things to them because death and mortality are simply not on their radar at this point in life. My sons reaction was one of fear and shock but I explained that this was no different than packing a suitcase for a trip or making a list for shopping for groceries. I stipulated that i had no plans to go anywhere anytime soon but I wanted to make sure that he was protected from uncertainty. he needed to undersatnd that should I be in the hospital the prmiums to my life insurance must be paid in a timely manner or in the event of my death there maybe no money to payoff balances on mortgages.
For each step that you take today many are avoided on the back end. Grief and financial burden are life partners and i cant recall the last time someone died where there was not uncertainty and issues that needed to be resolved. grieving requires that we be able to let go and cleanse our bodies and minds of certain associations and that is very hard to do when suddenly you are faced with more than you can handle or more than you expected to handle. In the days, weeks and months after my mothers sudden death i rummaged through drawers, closets, boxes and unexpected places trying to peice together her life, death and financial situation. I found multiple wills, checks not deposited, bills not paid and totall disarray. During her short term illness someone outside the family who had been privy to her situation had managed to convice a very sick woman to make him the executor of her will. When she was admitted to the hospital I was unable to make any decisions on her behalf and this person never once took action or showed themselves to fullfll their moral and legal obligations. I had to forcefully take charge , hire legal council and try to bring some sort of undersatnding and conclusion to her situation as I took care of her in those last days and finally was able to bring her home to die. Had I not been self employed managing all this would have been impossible. my mother died not quite two years ago and I am begining to feel that I can finally grieve for her loss.
When communicating with our loved ones on the otherside it is not unusual to hear their concerns about unresolved situations that they left in their absence or their guilt for failing to do things while they were still here. I have recieved guidance about matters that they have brought to my concern that they felt required emmidiate attention on my end. Their transition has not freed them from their earthly responsibilities. That is an important mesage to consider.